A revelation, if you will, that I recently had.... I've read Corinthians Chapter 13 many times. Many, many times. It's quoted at weddings, it's celebrated as the "love chapter," there are even songs written about it ("Let my life be the truth, the truth of your love. Let my love look like you, and what you're made of. How you lived, how you died, love is sacrifice......")

And just this week, something stood out to me as it never has before. Love believes all things. Oh that's great. Love hopes all things, ah, nice. Love bears all things. Love endures all things.....wait a minute. It bears? It endures? As in, puts up with? As in undergos hardship or suffering? As in, doesn't draw a line in the sand and say "If you cross this line, I won't love you anymore." Yep.

Hoping and believing are good. They sound happy and joyful, and when you mix them in with bearing and enduring, it's easy to miss what bearing and enduring really mean, what it's really going to look like in application.

Now when it comes to my kids, the application is easy. Not without great heartache, but I honestly could think of no line I could draw that they could cross and stop my love for them. If they were murderers, I would be devastated, but I would still love them. If they hated my guts, I would love the with the same intensity as I always have.

But when it comes to my husband, I have found that it hasn't been the same, so now I am on a journey with God to find out why, to ask questions, and to learn what love really, really, really, really looks like. And I have to tell you, I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.

Ok, so it's been on my heart for a while now to do this, so here's your warning: I'm going to be really transparent in this post. I'm going to be real, which is nothing new, but I'm going to indulge you guys a little more than I normally would.  Standing behind a facade isn't going to help anyone, or touch someone, or help me. And if someone decides to take what I say and run with it in a wildly wrong direction, well, that's on them. So here goes.

Last year, I drew a line in the sand. Last year, I told Chris that he was approaching that line. And then, he crossed it, and I started the process of filing for a divorce. I told myself it was justified, and it was. I wouldn't indulge you in all the details, but any reasonable human being would have agreed and would not have blamed me for divorcing him. In fact, it falls under one of the very, very few categories in the Bible where God says divorce is ok.



Skip forward a year and a half later, and obviously, we are still married, but not without a great struggle. And since that time last year when I was sitting in an attorney's office drawing up paper work, I have not been the same person I was.

I struggle still, with the fact that I stayed with Chris. I had a right to divorce him, afterall. I was th victim. I had been wronged. I was innocent, and yet I was the one suffering. Right?
I was hearing  "Do what makes you happy, be with those who make you smile." Well my husband certainly did not make me happy or make me smile. "Don't tolerate people who make you feel less happy than you deserve." Done! "Dont' be afraid to walk away from those who hurt you." Got it! "If they don't appreciate you, they don't deserve you." "Love yourself!" ok!

So, not that these are terrible ideas as a whole, or anything like that, but as I was applying them, they were not biblical. And yet, I had created a marriage based on biblical principals, and had applied them up until this point. So why did his actions change that about me? The truth is, it shouldn't have. Hence, the journey I am now on to really learn what God means when he ordains a marriage and expects it to last forever. Was I really niave enough to think that my marriage was always going to be roses and date nights? I have to admit, at one time, I think I was. But surely God knew that heartache would befall us, and almost every marriage ever ordained, and yet His opinion doesn't change. He still says to choose love.

Don't get me wrong, here. Hear what I'm really saying. Chris was wrong in what he did. Dead wrong. I still struggle with forgivness a year and a half later. And this in no way excuses him from what he did, but it does mean that I am not punishing him for it. It does mean that I am stepping aside in the revenge category and letting God deal with Chris. And let me tell you, that's hard too, because I'd love to sock him a good one....or two. lol!!! It also means that I am not always going to be happy, and that I am not always going to like the way things are going. And it also means that I am going the direction God points me in, and so far, that has worked pretty good for me. But God has recently reminded me, as cliche as it sounds, that I promised to bear and endure. I didn't even really give it a second thought when I was making that promise, and now, here I was, faced with a life changing decision. Would I bear ALL things? Would I endure ALL things? Including those things which I still struggle with a year and a half later? Including those things that caused me a lot of heartache? Including those things that made me consider divorce as an option?

Truth is, I was drawing a line in the sand, but God was allowing me to determine what kind of line it was. Was I drawing that line and telling Chris, "If you cross this line, I won't love you anymore," or was I drawing a line and saying "There is nothing you can do that will make me not love you. That is where I stand and I will not cross that line."

Let me tell you, it's hard. It's so hard. When you have been betrayed, crushed, destroyed, by the one person who also made those same promises to you, it's hard. It's so so hard. It takes every single ounce of strength I have some days...ok, I'm about to be really honest here.......to not hate my husband. In the midst of the chaos that was going on, I remember telling Chris "You have ruined my life," because I could see no way out of the heartache that he had caused me.

Fact is, I didn't promise to love him only if he loved me, only if he treated me right, only if he did what made me happy. I promised to bear and endure ALL things, with no cavets. I promised to put my own wants, needs, and desires aside, and put him and our marriage first. And I will reiterate. It's hard. And I have to say, I am not there yet. There are days when I still question if I made the right decision in telling that attorney to destroy the divorce documents. There are days when I'm ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. It takes a conscience effort on my part, daily, to decide that I will love despite the way I am loved. And I don't always get it right. But I am learning, and am getting better at it.

But here is the thing, no matter what, I choose love. Call me niave, call me silly or old fashioned, but that is the line I have drawn in the sand and I will not cross it.


Disclaimer: This is in no way written to put down or judge anyone who has been divorced, struggled in a relationship, or really anything at all but what you read for face value. It's my experience, and my bibilcal insight into my relationship, that I wanted to share.